A Word To A Very Special Woman Who Is Deceived

We women are so easily deceived.

We need our husbands because they see a bigger picture.

We need our Heavenly Father because He sees the WHOLE picture.

Do not let life just happen.  Live intentionally.  But live submitted to the husband who is the tool in God’s Hand to direct and lead you and your family.

I want to talk to one particular kind of woman out there today.

You don’t openly lead.  You aren’t the loud type.  You may say very little, in fact.  You’re devoted to your husband and children.  You are excessively good at what you do:  whether it be organizing your home, or making your family feel loved, or being the best cook in the world. Whatever your husband’s love language is, you speak it fluently!  You’re committed to excellence in everything you do.  You give 200% and you’re absolutely consistent.  This is who you are and who you’ve always been.  No surprises.  You’re busy, always in charge, taking care of your home and family.

You give of yourself to your family every day and are trying to serve the Lord and love Him with all that you’ve got.  Though you don’t feel that you are doing anything exceptional, and you just believe this is what a wife should do, and you don’t think you are doing very well sometimes…

your high standards and unwavering determination to accomplish all you’ve laid out for yourself and your family…

Your performance, your example, your lifestyle and your achievements are, well…

making it impossible for your husband to lead.  (Unless he is an extremely forceful, and dominant personality.)

You don’t even know that you’re manipulating him.  You don’t mean to run everything.  You don’t know that sometimes this is the hardest situation for a husband to lead in.

Most men can’t overcome this, nor understand it, because you’re not doing anything that they can criticize!  Your every goal is to make a wonderful home for your family!  You want to please him.  He would have a difficult time explaining or even understanding the frustration he feels at times.

Your husband doesn’t have a lot of confidence in his own ability and he doesn’t want to fail or look bad.  He’d like to try some things, but you have everything running so smoothly. (And you’re not about to experiment with his hairbrained ideas!)  He sees some areas of discipline needed with the children, but you’re the one they’re closest to.  He’s become more and more tentative about making suggestions.  He asks you, defers to your schedule, your judgment, checks with you, supports your decisions.

The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is Head of the Church.  The wife must continually ask for, and follow, her husband’s leadership. You must encourage the slightest inclination on his part.

Be flexible. Be checking with him.  Don’t decide everything and run your home.  Maybe he does like you to do things, but ask him for advice, for direction.  Turn the hearts of the children to their father. Expect God to lead through him. Stop assuming, and planning, and doing everything.

How can he suggest a new direction, a different way, a dream or a wish, a feeling that the Lord is leading him somewhere, to do or be something–different?

You don’t argue, or fight him.  No.

But he knows when you’re not happy.  Recognize that you are manipulating your husband.  And there’s a tension in the air and you sometimes pull away in some indescribable way and well, he wants you to be happy.  So, little by little, your example (which he’s sure he could never match) and your steady faithful carrying out of your efficient “plan” becomes the way it is in your family, and he knows that it will never change.  But, he’s taken care of, and who doesn’t like to be served? (Do you do those things for him because you love him, or to butter him up?) And your ideas are good ones, and you are so gifted. (If he hasn’t been giving his ideas, then don’t be leading with yours).

And your quiet word that “the children need to get to bed” or “we have to get this done now” is all the directing of his life that it takes. (Is he having a good time? Do you have to leave the gathering? Will the children turn into pumpkins if their bedtime is a little late? Who is in charge?)

What can he do?  You’re not being unreasonable, you’re not yelling, or insisting.  He will look like the bad guy if he insists on his own way.  So, even though this once, he would like for you to stay a little longer at the event, or do this instead of that, or maybe follow the dream the Lord has placed on his heart, he knows there’s no way…

He may not even know what he would do if he could lead–but as the days go by, the inclination to try dissolves, the desire to lead is buried, and your family life is pleasant enough, and he never attempts leading anymore, because you have everything running like a well-oiled machine.

It’s been a good life, but Who knows what God could have done if He’d been allowed to lead through your husband.

10 Replies to “A Word To A Very Special Woman Who Is Deceived”

  1. Wendy – What wonderful food for thought. I can definetly see that I do fall into some of these things and really need to check my motivation and intentions when making decisions in our home. Lisa is right, it is subtle. Here’s to making more of an effort to defer to my husband and let him lead. God bless – Holly

    1. I’ve recently become aware of how much encouragement husbands need to lead, and how easily we can make them feel “squashed” and inferior, incapable and “little in our eyes.” A word of praise, a look of admiration, a thought of how wonderful he is can make all the difference!

  2. Over the years I’ve had a lot of long term guests. In fact our daughters friend from KY will be here for 2 weeks in August.

    My father-in-law used to spend up to 3 months at a time with us when he was a widower.

    Many years ago I started telling my guests, “You are a guest your first day here. I’ll fix your favorite meals and do things I know you will enjoy.” After that you’ll be treated as one of the family.”

    Our girls always say guests know its time to leave when Mom starts making them a to do list.

    Phyllis

    1. I love this:) Recently my son and his friend washed our hardwood floor on their hands and knees. I realized he’d spent a lot of time in our home for me to feel fine with this!
      Wendy

  3. This is one of the stories in my ebook, “Thoughts on Being Left Behind”. It has certainly changed the way I look at hospitality.

    “The following poem has special meaning for me because it was written at my home shortly after the birth of our second daughter, Rebekah.

    I’m ashamed to admit that it was in my busy house she was feeling so unnecessary. Only after I read these words did I realize that there were a lot of ways she could have been included—cloth diapers for two babies that constantly needed folding, salads to prepare, or babies to read to or cuddle.

    She was capable of all these things, but I thought I was being nice to her by not making her work. How wrong I was.

    I hope my experience will encourage you to take time today to allow someone to help you, in spite of the fact that they may be slower or clumsier than you are at the same task.

    Remember, efficiency isn’t a virtue.

    Phyllis

    Summer ‘89

    It’s rough, Lord,
    Being on the shelf
    When I yearn so to be
    In the middle of the action
    In this busy place…

    It’s tough, Lord,
    Being a NON-PRODUCER
    In a world where PRODUCTION is all-important
    Thanks, Lord, for understanding
    How I feel.”

    © Manghild Sather at 4280 Parklawn, 1989

    1. What a powerful testimony! There are so many around us who yearn to feel useful, who could be included, but don’t know how. Many an older person, many a lonely person. Those you would least expect. The grandparents, even our own children. Conversations while they’re helping us can be times of bonding and discovering their heart.

      I wonder how often I’ve done this. Thought I was being “nice” or “thoughtful” and made someone feel left out, or placed my efficiency and my To Do List before another’s feelings.

  4. Wow, this is excellent Wendy. I think I need to carefully and prayerfully consider what you have written – this just might be me, at least in some ways.
    Thanks you so much.

  5. Lisa,
    I should have included this verse in the post, for we all want to rule our husbands because of the curse in Genesis 3:16, “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”

    We don’t know our hearts, we don’t even realize we’re doing it–we’re so deceived. You’re right, it is so subtle. (I, too, am grateful for my husband who doesn’t let me get away with much. But, I still try, too:( I do not come close to the excellence of the wife I’ve depicted here. I think it’s so much sadder to see when she is doing such a great job, and is in a deep rut of controlling and doesn’t know it.)

    We all have to be aware of ruling, manipulating, controlling–this is such a universal heart issue of women. Don’t you see the manipulating heart even in your littlest baby girl, wrapping her daddy around her little finger?

  6. Wow — this is good Wendy. It’s such a subtle thing, and you have hit it right on the nose. So thankful God gave me one of those dominant leader types — but, it doesn’t mean I don’t TRY to take over when it suits me….:( What a good word for today. I am going to come back to this and think it through. Thank you for these inspiring words.

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